Lost // Forever

Lost.

That's how I feel now. Four and a half years come and gone, with nothing to show for it.

I've not posted on my blog for the longest time, because I've been terribly uninspired for the last year or so. Besides, the things I write about are often nothing but manifestations of whatever the hell is going on inside my head. As much as I dislike admitting defeat, I am the very root of own my problem - I'm afraid to let anyone know what really goes through my mind.

No one.

Not my family.
Not my social circle.
Not my best friend.
...Not even myself.

I'm still reluctant to let people know what's happening in my head on such a public platform, but I've been inspired by my dear cousin to once again find the courage in venting my frustration in written word. So dear readers, if you still exist, be prepared for lots of word puke from here on out.

I expected to be taking my first baby steps into the working world soon after graduation.

I expected to have a fairly decent stable job.

I expected be moderately successful by now.

...or at least be making some sort of tangible, disposable income.

But nothing. I'm not doing any of the above.

The last few years have been spent trying in my best capacity to make them parents proud, in a way that I perceived was expected of me. For the full length of my entire academic career, I put aside all the things I ever loved. My art, my music, my imagination, my passion for all things creative. All of that pushed aside, left neglected and unnurtured, all in pursuit of a career that was deemed "tangible" in their eyes. Financial independence seemed to be the number one priority in their eyes, to the extent of feeling the need to devote my focus entirely on only activities that held monetary value. I was not happy. I didn't want just a job. I wanted to make a difference; to make people happy.

But I wasn't doing any of that.  

I've always had a problem with my head being up in the clouds. People told me I was too idealistic, aloof and naive. I questioned my sanity; I forced myself to be more realistic, practical and grounded, at the expense of letting go of my imaginary world. I did so, but I let the real world overwhelm me.

I was a happy child on the surface; when the problems of the real world got to me I could always disappear into the imaginary world in my head. As I got older, I stopped visiting it altogether. I've always been conditioned to focus my mind on the real and tangible things of the world. I tried very hard, but I couldn't. The experiences of the real world were just too much for me.

Every feeling.

Every emotion.

Every thought.

Every imagination.

Every person. 

Every touch.

Every taste. 

Every smell. 

The happy pills didn't help. The doctors didn't help. The imaginary friends didn't help. I couldn't find my happy place, because my happy place no longer existed. Everyone I loved, I loved from afar; despite having no love for myself. I was left alone and helpless. I felt hurt by everyone even thought I had nothing but love for them. Everyone probably hated me, so I gradually disappeared from their lives. Was there any more reason for me to stick around or even be alive? I was just a burden to everyone around me. I was no good to anyone. I'd been trying to find myself for the past year, only to lose myself completely instead.

Spending too much time on the ground made me want to bury myself in it.

Then I met you. You made me feel wanted. You were just a stranger to me, but you made me feel wanted even before we met in person. You told me I put a smile on your face, and that I was a beautiful person.

Beautiful, funny, intelligent. Those were the words you used to describe me.

You were blunt, and I loved it. It was the kind of bluntness that showed me you were honest, sincere, loving. You thought of me as a woman, even during my moments of insanely childish tendencies (which you thought were amusing to a point). You are a beautiful person yourself, and I regret nothing but not having enough time spent with you up to the point before you left.

You were constantly encouraging and inspiring, even when I was on the verge of letting go of the reigns on my life. "Chin up", you'd say, before you lovingly kiss me on the forehead. You even had a hand in directly getting me out there, even when you had absolutely no fucking reason to. It's all you. It's all because you were a kind, loving soul who cared enough to help.

But you had other commitments. You've always avoided emotional commitments. You loved your career more than anything else. I didn't expect you to love me, but...I didn't expect to love you either.

Knowing I may never even see you again is tearing me apart from the inside. You do text me from time to time, but other than that, we barely exchange two full sentences at a time anymore.

I miss the deep, meaningful conversations.
I miss the affection.
I miss the lazy nights in spent watching Netflix.
I miss the nightly city adventures.
I miss nagging you whenever you almost overorder food during dinner dates. (Seriously though, your eyes are bigger than your stomach.)

Where are you now?

It's a shame that it's all gone now.
I might have loved you.

Forever.