To whom I hold close to my heart

I need to get something off my chest, but I'm not always able to say certain things to one's face. Hence, I do appreciate if you're taking up some of your personal time to read this.

Forgive me if you feel like I'm flakey, or that I don't put in the effort in being a good friend. I admit that I tend to do that a lot some of the time, and I take full responsibility for it.

I sometimes figure for myself that doing favours or hanging with friends sometimes isn't worth my time, especially when I think that you guys are just using or taking advantage of me. Or that people secretly hate me and are only thinking of getting to my very core and destroying me.

Don't get me wrong, it's not your fault - it's mine.

Things happened back in high school - bad things, which consequently have shattered my self esteem (to a point) over the last few years, with its implications haunting me to this very day. It's been nearly 4 years since I left high school, but I still have such difficulty shaking it off. It doesn't help that for some reason or another, I've always have had low self esteem to begin with.

Problems at home didn't help matters either. I remember crying in school, only to go home and cry some more every night when I slipped into bed. I remember a time when I was just not happy at all. I remember when all I could think of was wanting to end my miserable, pathetic life.

I do admit I was not a perfect friend either - never was, and never will be. People have their highs and lows, but I had way too many lows during my early teens. I did so much to rectify my stupid behaviour during my later teen years, but I continued to get shunned anyway. I just didn't know what to do anymore.

Essentially, I do understand that it's normal that people go through all kinds of shit. Some people take it well, some others don't. I'm pretty sure I'm in the latter category of people, and let me assure you I am not proud of it. It's affected my overall behavour and attitude towards life and people in general, and I do feel like it's spiralled out of control.

Anyhow, things that happened back then have conditioned me to be a constantly painfully paranoid person, thus explaining why I don't always open up to/necessarily properly treat people well.

Due to my lack of self esteem also, in my (sub)conscious state of mind I tend to assume people hate me no matter what I do. This is why I sometimes don't bother keeping in touch with (certain) people, no matter how good a person they may be.

It is of utmost importance that I iterate the fact that all my estranged relationships with people I love are a result of my own shortcomings. I honestly feel it unfair to blame anyone for my shattered ego, whether or not people did personally do me wrong. It's gotten to a point where I can't decide for myself if a person is worth keeping as a friend.

All the pain and tears from the last several years have molded me into the bitter but much less naive person I am today, but I do so wish I could keep and preserve my close friendships. Believe me, I have been trying my best not to be negative. I really don't want to radiate negative energy when I'm around people, but believe me when I say it's not easy to fix. Same goes for my bouts of depression - you can't pinpoint an exact reason for it, and you can't fix it with a snap of your fingers. It just doesn't work like that.

Despite all of my shortcomings though, I do know that there are still people who love me for me, no matter how shitty I get. To you guys, I'm so sorry and thank you for tolerating my crap for as long as you have, I love you all as well :')